The Great Condiment Wars of 2015

Last April, Heinz, of ketchup fame, launched its own mustard, because it didn’t want to share the picnic table with any other brand of condiment. Not to be outdone, French’s, of mustard fame, launched its own ketchup, because it too wanted to dominate the picnic table.

According to an anonymous source at Heinz, folks in the product development department confabbed at length about the launch with top execs, advocating for the new product because “the world doesn’t have enough mustard.” When I asked the source for details, he said, “Follow the mustard.”

So I did. I scheduled a trip to a local supermarket and, equipped with notebook and pen, I headed for the condiment aisle. On the way, I brushed up on my counting — one, two, three, four, five. Piece of cake - how high would I possibly have to count?

I decided to start with the ketchup (spelled catsup in epicurean circles) — and I quit counting when I reached 10. I counted only brand names, not varieties within brand — no-salt, sugar-free, spicy and so forth — and didn’t include any of the designer brands I’d seen in specialty and health food boutiques because I was limiting my report to coverage of a regular supermarket.

Now it was on to mustard, which is only spelled mustard, and here’s where it really got out of hand. I started getting cross-eyed when I reached 24, which is where I quit counting. That’s 24 different brands, most with varieties like honey mustard, deli, yellow, horseradish, spicy and Dijon. There amongst them was the new Heinz, and I couldn’t help but think that it’s a good thing they got into the mustard side of condiments because they really filled a niche.

I concluded my research thinking the consumer could spend a day in the condiment aisle alone, trying to decide on something to make their food taste better. I thought about what my source at Heinz had said: “The world doesn’t have enough mustard.” Well, it does now.

But then I made the mistake of turning down the cereal aisle, and I immediately flashed back to my childhood and my local grocery store shelves, when I could count the number of known cereals in my world on under 10 fingers — oldies-but-goodies like Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Wheaties, Cheerios, Shredded Wheat, Quaker Oats, and maybe a few others you had to supply your own sugar for. Variations on a theme began to proliferate even before the 1950s were over — Frosted Flakes and Sugar Pops were just the beginning of the trend in 1951 — and the result today is cereals on both sides of the aisle, stretching 56 feet toward the rear of the store. Cereals as far as the eye could see.

The takeaway from all this, of course, is that just when I thought I’d run out of ideas for columns, someone in Facebook happened to mention Heinz’s new mustard. Thanks, Consuelo.

Anthropomorphism in everyday life

           Most people don’t give much thought to anthropomorphism, but it’s an inescapable part of all our lives. It’s in our face all the time. Take the talking Charmin bears, for example, or the dancing Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats. We know bears don’t talk and Mini-Wheats don’t dance, yet we don’t scoff — we accept it. What does that say about us?

           Before I go further, let me explain what anthropomorphism is, for those who knew yesterday but clean forgot. Simply put, anthropomorphism is the attribution of human form or characteristics to something other than human — animals, inanimate objects, forces of nature, etc. Woody Woodpecker and SpongeBob SquarePants come to mind.

           Our exposure to anthropomorphism begins in early childhood, in the countless books, shows, and films designed to jump-start our imaginations. And that’s where it probably should end. That’s not to say I don’t still find the story of “Tubby the Tuba” entertaining. You remember Tubby, don’t you? He’s the tuba that wanted to play a melody more than anything, instead of just oom-pah.

           Some of our favorite childhood friends were the cartoon animals that were funnier than most of the grownups we knew. Bugs Bunny was my favorite, and of course the Disney stable is legendary. For the most part I grew out of my fondness for anthropomorphized creatures — except Shrek. And I confess to liking Donkey a lot.

           As children we often name our stuffed animals, which I suppose makes it more natural to have conversations with them. I had a stuffed lamb, and for some reason I called him Bambi. Go figure. This isn’t necessarily something we outgrow either. A woman I knew called her old VW Beetle Bernie, and I never asked why. Today in Facebook two friends revealed they’d named either their present or past cars, so I don’t want to forget to pay homage to their beloved vehicles — Rosie and Priscilla.

           I’m sure the creative people at advertising agencies can’t resist — perhaps trapped in childhood themselves — but by adulthood we should be well past the need for talking dough and moping mops in commercials. Lately these creative types have introduced anthropomorphism to pharmaceutical ads, which won’t motivate me to ask my doctor for any drug. In one commercial I saw this morning, a woman was going about her daily routine as her bladder tagged along, gripping her hand and dragging her off toward restrooms in much the same way a spoiled child might tug Mom toward the toy department. How appealing — especially when the bladder, looking pitiful, sat next to her at a table as she ate lunch with a friend. I wonder if she said to the friend, “By the way, this is Betty, my bladder.”

           My current favorites are those Charmin bears (read “most annoying” for “favorites”). I hope parents take the time to explain to their kids that bears don’t really have bungalows with full bathrooms, that they, um … well, you know.

The evolution of the telephone

           In the beginning, there were no telephones. When people wanted to communicate, they walked up to someone and said, “Hi.” If they were far apart, they sent someone with a message. “Go to the village across the valley and tell George I said hi.” If they couldn’t send someone, they either went themselves or forgot about it. If they forgot, George would think they stopped caring. Before long, people invented drums, hollow logs, and smoke as ways to communicate over distances, that worked for a long time because Grandma didn’t live too far away.

           Over time we came up with different ways to communicate, but they mostly involved writing on paper — letters. While it got the job done, people craved the intimacy of speech. It’s hard to emote on paper unless you’re Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

           Morse did his best with the telegraph, and it did provide an instantaneous form of communication (as long as people who knew Morse code were doing the communicating), but can you imagine “How do I love thee/stop/let me count the ways/stop”?

           Then along came Alexander Graham Bell with the telephone. Crude at first, early phones involved cranking and party lines, but finally George could reach out and touch someone across the miles, as long as someone else with the same number wasn’t already using the phone — the party line, FYI.

           Eventually almost every home in America had a phone — and a number they could call their own. Now George would know the call was probably for him when the phone rang, and he’d be able to hear “I love you” or “Your prescription for Epidermathinaglim is ready” without worrying that someone was listening — providing he didn’t miss the call.

           Answering machines solved that problem. Now if someone called when George wasn’t home, they could leave a message and he’d call them back. Maybe. Some people would just hang up because they hated talking to a machine.

           Finally someone came up with the perfect solution — the cellphone. Now George could take his phone with him and never be out of touch, and if Lucy wanted to invite him to a Fourth of July BBQ at the last minute, he wouldn’t miss the call. Of course, early cellphones weren’t much smaller than phone booths, so it was hard to put one in your pocket or purse. But now cellphones are small, and despite their size you can do a lot of things with them besides make calls — browse the web, order something from Amazon, text a friend, play games, locate a restaurant, take pictures, watch a movie, find George’s cellphone if he’s kidnapped, make a latte.

           Okay, I made that last thing up, but everything else is almost true. No kidding.

The ride of my life — with sirens

           It’s the morning of May 31, a day shy of the 18-month anniversary of my heart attack, I’m feeling a little odd when I get up but otherwise semi-okay. After breakfast and halfway through my coffee I decide to check my blood pressure, even though I’d only taken my meds a few minutes earlier. The monitor says my heart rate is 30 at first, then just says “Error.” Uh-oh. I’ve heard of runner’s heart, but that’s a little low. I check it on two other devices. Same thing.

           So I call the Triage Nurse at the VA, tell her what’s up, and ask what I can do to bring it up. “Nothing,” she says, then tells me to get to the ER as quickly as possible — as in call 911. I call, and within minutes the EMTs come in force, sirens roaring. Dang, I hate drawing attention to myself. They finally get me in the vehicle, get me all strapped down, hooked up, and poked with an IV needle, and as they begin to roll they call the VA ER with the info and their ETA. VA says “Divert to Mission.” Huh?

           The EMT explains that this means the VA can’t handle it, which means it’s worse than serious. “Total heart blockage,” he calls it. So here we are underway, sirens roaring, and already I’m thinking “I want to go home.” Then my son arrives, and he’s worried. I tell him I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to anyone.

           In the ER they do some preliminaries, then get me up to Cardiac ICU, where I am again poked and hooked up to monitors — only to find they can’t get a blood pressure reading and have to do it with the manual cuff. Meanwhile, my heart rate is bouncing around between about 15 and 30, and someone explains that the heart chambers have stopped communicating.

           The following morning I wake up, which means I’m still alive. Since I’m about to have an echocardiogram, I’m not given food. After the echo, a nice cardiologist tells me he’s gotten my records from the VA and that my heart is a lot stronger than it was almost two years earlier, and that a pacemaker would now be a viable option. Not so last year. He heaps praise on my VA cardiologist for whatever she did that enabled me to beat the odds.

           The next morning they do a heart catheter, to see if there’ve been any changes since my last one. Afterward they tell me my heart stopped five times during the procedure, and they had to connect a temporary pacemaker. For this reason, a permanent pacemaker becomes urgent, so that is done later Tuesday. That evening I finally eat, and the food is surprisingly decent. Ditto breakfast the next morning — and by one Wednesday afternoon my son is driving me home.

           By the time you read this, I’ll have had my follow-up exam at Asheville Cardiology and I’ll be driving to the grocery store again — better than before, they say. Well, alive is good.

School’s out

           When I was a kid, the last day of school more or less coincided with the first day of summer, which at the time made a lot of sense. I’m sure this was why the hiatus in the school year was called “summer vacation.” This isn’t the case here. I suppose it’s called “summer vacation,” but almost a month of it takes place in spring, and I’ve been wondering why for 39 years.

           Summer was great because not only would there be no homework and tests, there would be nothing but play day after day after day — interrupted only by a couple of weeks in the country when Pop had his annual vacation, and maybe the occasional Saturday at the beach or in one of the state parks for a picnic.

           For play we had the unlimited use of two places: the street, and any vacant lot we could reach on foot or by bike. The street was obvious, because there it was, right outside our houses, and since it was a residential street to nowhere there wasn’t much traffic. The street was for playing a variety of games with balls, or having battles between two opposing forces of knights in cardboard armor .

           But vacant lots were something else. I cannot overstate the importance of vacant lots to a kid growing up in early 1950s’ Long Island. In the suburbs, which were rapidly filling up with homes and children following the war, there were still plenty of vacant lots, and they were more suited for many kids’ games than their yards, which Mom and Dad, mostly refugees from the cities, were grooming like little botanical gardens. Vacant lots were not well groomed. They were untamed, a touch of the wilderness in the otherwise civilized suburbs. And in those days they were almost never littered.

           The vacant lot was easily identified because it didn’t contain a house, wasn’t fenced, had no apparent owner (although it really did), and was largely overgrown with scrub, weeds, and trees. It just sat there between lots filled with houses, driveways, lawns, patios, picnic tables, and flower beds, waiting to be cleared and excavated for the basement of a new house. Remove all the houses, pavement, and patio furniture from the suburbs, and Long Island would be one big vacant lot.

           I always came home from the vacant lot dirty, and when I took a bath the water would turn brown. But it did say in “The Boys Guide to Growing Up” that getting dirty was not only normal but essential for proper development. I wonder if kids still get dirty today. Anyone?

           School didn’t resume until the Wednesday after Labor Day, which also made sense because in the adult world Labor Day has always been the unofficial end of summer. Once again this isn’t the case here, and I’ve been wondering why for 39 years as well.

I can’t take Yahoo! seriously

           I’m old enough to remember when the word “Yahoo!” occasionally appeared in a comic strip speech balloon. Sometime during the 1990s I began associating it with a free email provider (although at the time I didn’t get what Yahoo! could possibly have to do with email), and for years after that I never thought of it as much more. But today Yahoo! Inc. is an American multinational Internet corporation — according to Wikipedia anyway. Also according to Wikipedia, Yahoo is actually an acronym, which comes as a surprise because I never thought Yahoo was an acronym. I thought it was just Yahoo, you know? At some point, apparently, Yahoo’s founders, Jerry Yang and David Filo, thought the original name, “Jerry’s Guide to the World Wide Web,” wasn’t catchy enough. Of course they were wouldn’t — it was lame, and JGWWW would put a hyperactive child in a coma. So they sequestered themselves in trailer for a brainstorming session, and after finishing off about twelve bags of Cheetos and a case of Cheerwine (I’m guessing here — it could have been Fritos and Dr. Pepper) came up with Yahoo — which as everyone knows stands for “Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle.” I’m not kidding. That is what Yahoo stands for. If the world could roll its eyes, it would.

           Today Yahoo! the American multinational Internet corporation, wants to be taken seriously as a source of news and entertainment. Since it sorta became my co-ISP, or Internet Service Provider (pronounced ISP) by merging with AT&T, which had previously merged with BellSouth (in a process called “putting Ma Bell back together again,” but that’s another story), my home page is cluttered with Yahoo this and Yahoo that. There are useless videos all over the place — features about celebrities, cars, recipes — and the ads! All this does nothing but hog my computer’s precious resources.

           In Oct. 2013, Yahoo scored a coup when it hired long-time NY Times tech columnist David Pogue, and not long after that it landed celebrity journalist Katie Couric as (wait for it) “global anchor.” I’m happy for Katie that she landed what must be a plum gig, but I hope she can keep from giggling whenever she stands up at a press conference and says, “Katie Couric, Yahoo News.”

           What I wonder is, do any of them — Katie, David, Jerry, David — even know what Yahoo really means? Well according to every dictionary I consulted, it’s a “rude, noisy, or brutish person — synonymous with redneck, boor, lout, oaf.” Ye-haw. Makes it hard to take anything under the nameplate “Yahoo! News” seriously.

Columnism

           col um nist n. An advocate or supporter of columnism

           When I started out in the journalism business, I thought it would be fun to be a columnist someday, but I knew there were concerns that needed to be resolved before I made any kind of a commitment. What, for instance, would my friends say? Would they whisper “He’s a card-carrying columnist” behind my back? Would they deny knowing me? Would the FBI interrogate them about my activities? Would they have to appear before a Senate committee? Would they worry about finding their names in a file labeled “Friends of Rufa”?

           The heck with it, I decided. The temptation was too great, so back in the mid-1980s when a local paper down in Southern Pines, NC, offered me a chance to write a column twice a week, I took a shot at it, and it turned into a gig that lasted more than six years. It went to my head. Imagine — me a columnist, with fellow travelers like Ellen Goodman, Russell Baker, Dave Barry, Kathleen Parker, Molly Ivins, and Art Buchwald. Who knew — I might even have lunch with them some day.

           Who could pass up the advantages and privileges of being a columnist? Columnists can write about anything we want, and if you hit the big time it doesn’t even have to make sense. Another plus is that columnists can write long paragraphs, while reporters have to keep theirs down to a sentence or two and get the five Ws up front, in order of importance. Columnists generally don’t have to worry about their wardrobe either. A columnist can work even work in skivvies, since they can work at home.

           Many well-known columnists started out as reporters, although I had to rule out that path a long time ago. I just didn’t think I could stand the strain of having to have my facts straight most of the time. Columnists have a lot more flexibility. And humorists? Why, humorists can really take liberties with facts. One of the best ways to avoid a lawsuit as a writer is to be funny, because even people who can’t take a joke usually don’t want the world to know it.

           The column is a particularly good genre for the lazy writer. Novels take a lot of work (I can vouch for that), and short stories are quite difficult to write. Non-fiction generally involves a lot of research, which is a lot like work.

           One of the nicest things about writing a column is that you don’t have to write a whole lot. In fact, short-and-sweet is the rule rather than the exception, although some columnists do get windy. In my case, I try to keep a column under 500 words. However, sometimes I can’t help running over that a bit — especially if it’s important. I have a fair amount of leeway in this respect, and I really appreciate being able to write as much as necessary, confident the editor won’t delete the