The usual, obligatory income tax column

           According to the Columnist’s Handbook, come April a columnist is obliged to write a column about income tax, April 15th being the deadline for filing and for a column. The entry makes suggestions like “Say something funny about going to the post office at 4:30 p.m. on the 15th,” or “Make something up, like ‘the dog ate my receipts.’” It even suggests you “tell some of your favorite ways to cheat on your taxes.”

           I’m sorry, but I don’t think there’s anything funny about income taxes. Paying taxes is our solemn duty as Americans, and we should take them seriously. I know every patriotic American does too, without complaining. Well except maybe corporations that hide money overseas, or get the kind of discounts we ordinary folk can only dream about.

           Saying something funny about going to the post office at 4:30 on the 15th? I wouldn’t know. I always mail mine off the first week in February, that’s how anxious I am to make sure I’ve got my share of Congress’s salaries and expenses covered. After all, they work so hard and they deserve every nickel.

           And make something up? Like what — how my accountant tells me to roll over a two-dollar lottery-ticket prize? Not even the convenience store clerks think that’s funny.

           As for telling someone my favorite ways to cheat on my taxes is concerned, are they crazy? I might as well invite an IRS auditor over and tell him to “Make sure you bring your handcuffs.” Besides, I wouldn’t dream of cheating on my income taxes any more than politicians would dream of cheating on their spouses.

           When I first started paying income taxes, I used the short form — which, in those days, was an IBM punch card. Remember those? Today the short form is as long as the long form was back then, and ever since I started having income from writing and various other legitimate endeavors to report (sometimes reaching as high as four digits!), I’ve had to fill out a bunch of other forms as well — Schedules C, SE, ASAP, TGIF, and Forms 8829 and I H8TAXES. Shakespeare wrote a play about it once. He called it Much Ado About Nothing, and that pretty much describes my financial impact on the economy.

           Like Christmas, Memorial Day, and Thanksgiving, April 15th comes but once a year, and I think we should celebrate it as an important holiday. In fact, maybe we should have the day off — paid, of course — and Macy’s could have a parade and stores would have sales. I think if we found a way to celebrate April 15th, we’d have a better attitude about paying taxes.

           Okay, probably not.