Why I love Caller ID

           I’m of the belief that just because I have a telephone the world doesn’t have the right to call me up any time it feels like it. This is why I’m glad I have Caller ID — it tells me which calls to answer and which calls to ignore. Okay — it doesn’t exactly say “Ignore this call” or “Answer this call” — it says things like “Delivery Notice,” which I know isn’t really for me because I don’t know anyone named “Notice,” and I’m not usually expecting a delivery of any kind.

           Sometimes I get a call from “Unavailable,” which is really a coincidence because I am too. The other day I got a call from “Alert.” I ducked under my desk for that one. Every once in a while I’ll get a call from myself, which I totally don’t understand. Still, since I know myself I always pick up — and there’s always a dial tone. That I don’t get. I’ve never avoided talking to myself, I’ve just never done it on the phone and I’d love to because I’d be interested to see what I want.

           One call I got was from “Opinion Counts.” I ignored that too, mainly because my opinion has never counted. I also ignored one from “Member Rewards” because I’m not a member of anything, so how can I possibly be entitled to a reward, assuming there even is one? And if I have a real fan in this world, someone who calls me a lot, it’s “Toll Free Call,” who almost never has the same phone number, but I get it because he’s a real rascal. Or she.

           Sometimes I’ll get a call from an entire state — New York, for example, or Florida. I do know people in both states, but not everyone, and I’m sure they all don’t share one number. Not infrequently will I get a call from “Anonymous,” who for some reason wishes to remain anonymous (unlike everyone else). Okay — I actually admire anonymous for his/her/its candor.

           I did register to be placed on the no-call list, and this has cut down on the calls somewhat, but too many are exempt. During election season the calls are insane, which is enough to make me sour on democracy. And charities are allowed to get through, which is unfortunate because after I pay my phone bill I have no money left.

           These days, if you do answer one of these calls, more often than not you’re going to find you’re being called by a robot. A word of advice: don’t feel guilty if you hang up on them. I assure you — they have no feelings. If they did, they wouldn’t have called in the first place.